Beowulf by Unknown*bum bum* IN A WORLD . . . *bum bum* . . . FULL OF NASTY MONSTERS . . . *bum bum* . . . WHO EAT PEOPLE AND BREAK INTO CASTLES . . . *bum bum* . . . THE BEASTLY GRENDEL LURKED LONG OVER THE MOORES . . . *bum bum* . . . BUT NOW . . . *Cut to scene of monster ripping someones face off with his teeth*
(silence. black screen.)
*Unknown warriors approaching*
Who are ye, then, ye armed men,
mailed folk, that yon mighty vessel
have urged thus over the ocean ways,
here oer the waters?
*bum bum* . . . ONE MAN . . . *bum bum* . . . ONE LARGE MAN . . .*bum bum* . . . OF NOBLE BIRTH AND LONG, LONG SWORD . . . *bum bum* . . . IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SAVE THEM.
Hither have fared to thee far-come men
oer the paths of ocean, people of Geatland;
and the stateliest there by his sturdy band
is Beowulf named. This boon they seek,
that they, my master, may with thee
have speech at will: nor spurn their prayer
to give them hearing, gracious Hrothgar!
In weeds of the warrior worthy they,
methinks, of our liking; their leader most surely,
a hero that hither his henchmen has led.
*cue symphony: BUM-BUM-BUUUUMMMMM! BUM-BUM-BUUUUMMMMM*
To Hrothgar I
in greatness of soul would succor bring,
so the Wise-and-Brave may worst his foes, --
if ever the end of ills is fated,
of cruel contest, if cure shall follow,
and the boiling care-waves cooler grow;
else ever afterward anguish-days
he shall suffer in sorrow while stands in place
high on its hill that house unpeered!
*Everyone looks around at each other, wondering what the fuck hes talking about*
*Exciting symphony, something along the lines of O Fortuna. combat shown as Beowulf tosses Grendel down, gets Grendel in a headlock, pokes him in his eyes. Beowulf takes his shoe off and starts hitting Grendel on the top of his head with it.*
*Music stops. Shot of Beowulf on the shore, hand on his hilt.*
Tis time that I fare from you. Father Almighty
in grace and mercy guard you well,
safe in your seekings. Seaward I go,
gainst hostile warriors hold my watch.
BEOWULF. PG-13, Parents Strongly Cautioned. Contains Monsters Biting Peoples Faces Off, Graphic Far-Fetched Violence, and Shots of Beowulfs Bare Chest.
Beowulf is totally the precursor to Conan, and Rambo. Hes mothafuckin badass. And you know how, since the Rambo movies are so old, they come out in boxed sets now? Think of this slim volume as a trilogy:
BEOWULF II: MOMMY DEAREST
BEOWULF III: BEOWULF VERSUS A BIG-ASS DRAGON
While often trilogies get worse as they go along, this one actually improves. And its safe to say that a fourth sequel will never come out about Beowulf after he gets old and out of shape. . . although that might be what BEOWULF VERSUS A BIG-ASS DRAGON is.
If you like football, Stallone, Escape From New York, and cant get enough of Arnold Schwarzenegger, this is THE classic for you.
Who Wrote Beowulf?
Beowulf , heroic poem, the highest achievement of Old English literature and the earliest European vernacular epic. It deals with events of the early 6th century and is believed to have been composed between and Although originally untitled, it was later named after the Scandinavian hero Beowulf, whose exploits and character provide its connecting theme. There is no evidence of a historical Beowulf, but some characters, sites, and events in the poem can be historically verified. The poem did not appear in print until Beowulf falls into two parts.
It is one of the most important works of Old English literature. The date of composition is a matter of contention among scholars; the only certain dating pertains to the manuscript, which was produced between and The story is set in Scandinavia. Beowulf , a hero of the Geats , comes to the aid of Hrothgar , the king of the Danes , whose mead hall in Heorot has been under attack by a monster known as Grendel. After Beowulf slays him, Grendel's mother attacks the hall and is then also defeated. After a period of fifty years has passed, Beowulf defeats a dragon , but is mortally wounded in the battle.
Beowulf is an epic poem composed in Old English consisting of 3, lines. It is written in the alliterative verse style, which is common for Old English poetry as well as works written in languages such as Old High German, Old Saxon , and Old Norse.
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Where Did Beowulf Take Place?
Okay, follow us closely here, because this does actually get a little bit confusing. Beowulf is an epic about a glorious past. But it's not just in "the past" now for us as 21st Century readers. It was always set in the distant past. It's an 8th Century period piece. We're surprised that Maggie Smith hasn't starred as Grendel's mom.